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By Your Ghost (address withheld)


At first I didn't know it was her. Just a brilliant spill of bright blonde hair and a small slim body in a pink blouse and snug faded blue jeans, standing in line at the coffee shop. I was behind her and I looked her over, admiring her lovely hair and her cute little ass. But then I heard her order a tall mocha and recognized her voice.

"Make it two," I said, sliding a ten dollar bill over the counter to the barista.

For a fraction of a moment the beautiful little blonde regarded me with suspicion, but then she realized it was me and her face lit up with surprise and delight.

"Oh my God!" she cried. She threw her arms around me and I laughed into her golden hair as she hugged me.

"Oh, Andy," she said against my neck, "I can't believe it's you. Where have you been? It's so good to see you!"

"It's good to see you too, Nikkie," I said.

She stepped back and we looked at each other. I couldn't be sure of what she thought about me, but my own reaction to seeing her was the same as it had always been: startled, and just a bit sad. My baby sister was still the most beautiful girl I'd ever seen.

"It's been so long," she said. "I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you too." I took my change from the barista, who was beaming at us as if she was responsible for some grand romantic reunion. I grabbed Nikkie's hand and said, "Let's go sit down."

We got a table near the door and sat across from each other.

"Well, Nikkie," I said, "you're still as lovely as ever."

Nikkie smiled shyly and replied, "Oh, thank you, Andy. You're always so sweet." She reached over and lightly punched my shoulder. "You're still a cutie too. So, what have you been doing? Where've you been? Are you still in school? Are you doing okay?"

"Hold on," I said, laughing, "one question at a time."

I filled her in on what I'd been up to in the three years since we'd last seen each other: I hadn't left the city, just kind of hung around downtown, moving from one job to the next while I got through college; I'd worked as a janitor, as a security guard, a cabinetmaker (the best paying job I'd had, though it only lasted one summer), even a car wash attendant. But now that I had my bachelor's degree I was working as a proofreader at a small downtown publishing firm. The hours were lousy, the pay even worse, but it wasn't dangerous or physically demanding and I had the chance now to pay more attention to my writing.

"So, what are you doing, Nikkie?" I asked.

"Me? I'm on my break," Nikkie replied with a mischievous grin.

"Two tall mochas," the barista called from the coffee bar.

"You little brat," I said, then went and got our drinks. When I returned I said, "So, if you're on your break, you must be working."

"Sure am," Nikkie replied. "I'm an administrative assistant at the adult education center next door."

"The place next door? Kind of a rough clientele, isn't it?" From what I'd heard, the place mainly catered to the homeless, and to people recovering from drug and alcohol abuse.

"Nothing I can't handle," my little sister replied with a shrug. She sipped at her coffee and said, "Besides, I don't really have much to do with the students. Mostly I just push paper and make typing noises on the computer all day. Which I'm gonna have to get back to. I'm only on a fifteen minute break."

"Yeah, me too. But Nikkie, I want to talk to you so bad. What do you say we get together later on? Probably not tonight because I'm working late. How about tomorrow? It's Saturday."

"That would be great," Nikkie said. My baby sister put her soft hand on top of mine. "I'd love to spend more time with you, Andy. Get caught up and everything."

"Then it's a date," I said.

We got up from the table and headed for the door. When we got outside we hugged each other goodbye. Nikkie kissed me on the neck and said, "I live on the corner of Second and Trade Street. Apartment 208. Can you make it around noon?"

"Absolutely," I said. I could smell the sweet scent of lilacs in her beautiful hair as she continued to hold me.

"Oh God, Andy, I really have missed you."

"I know, sweetheart." I kissed her quickly on the lips. "See you tomorrow."

"Can't wait," Nikkie said. I turned to go but she stopped me with a hand on my arm. "Hey, did you mean it?"

"Did I mean what?"

"When you said it was a date. Are we going on a date?" She had that mischievous grin on her face again.

"Sure," I said. "If you want it to be a date, then it'll be a date."

Nikkie smiled and her big blue eyes shined.

"Wonderful," she said.

We parted reluctantly and I walked back to work, absently drinking my espresso and telling myself that I was an incredibly lucky guy; I had a date with the most beautiful girl in the world.


The neighborhood Nikkie lived in wasn't the best in the city, but it wasn't the worst either. Mostly low income apartment buildings and mom and pop shops, with a coffeehouse, a bohemian theatre, an antique store, an adult bookstore, and restaurants scattered here and there. I'd been a little surprised when she told me her address; for the last year or so since she'd moved out of our parents' house we had lived only six blocks from each other and didn't even know it.

I'd gone into some of the shops, had bought coffee on the corner, had watched a few independent films at the theatre and frequented the adult bookstore on a regular basis, and yet we had never run into each other. Not that Nikkie had ever gone into the adult bookstore, though I wondered now as I drove past its garish neon sign and bright red door and parked in front of her apartment building, if she'd ever seen me going in or coming out. It was probably a relatively good thing that we hadn't reunited until now.

As I entered Nikkie's building and followed the apartment numbers down the hallway and around the corner, I thought about her, about how much she'd changed in the last three years, and how much she hadn't changed. She was sixteen when I left home, just a cute young kid who looked younger and purer than she really was. She still looked too young and too pure, but it seemed more like just appearances now.

I wasn't sure what it was about her that gave me that impression; maybe something in those beautiful blue eyes, or her posture, or the way she'd looked at me and talked to me, more like a downtowner than a young girl from the upper middle class neighborhoods of the West End. Maybe it was just how nice her ass had looked in those blue jeans. Whatever it was, I knew as I came up on apartment 208 that I was dealing now with someone who was going to be new to me in some ways and yet just as familiar as ever.

I knocked and a few moments later Nikkie opened the door. She was wearing a simple white dress with tiny pink flowers all over it and her sunlight colored hair was tied back in a ponytail. She looked so fabulous that for a second I was speechless.

"Hi, Andy," she said, giving me a big sweet smile.

"Hi, Nikkie," I said. "Are you ready for our date?"

"Sure," Nikkie replied with a giggle. "Just hold on for one teeny minute, okay?"

She ducked into the bathroom and I waited there in the doorway. While I waited a very pretty brown-haired girl with large doe eyes and a nice little body came to the door. She looked like she was about my age.

"Hi," she said, "I'm Maggie, Nikkie's roommate."

"Hi, Maggie," I said, "I'm her brother Andy."

"Yeah," Maggie said, looking me over. "Her brother. The one she ran into yesterday. She hasn't stopped talking about you since. But did you, um, did you say you were taking her on a date?"

"Yes, but it's not that kind of date."

"Yeah, okay." Maggie continued to scrutinize me and it was obvious that she didn't believe me. I didn't know what to do with that, so I just stood there and scrutinized her as well. She opened her mouth to say something more but just then Nikkie came out of the bathroom.

"Ready," she announced. She slipped her arm around Maggie's waist and pecked her on the cheek. "Bye, hon. Don't wait up for me." She giggled again.

Maggie responded by taking Nikkie in a full embrace. She kissed her on the lips, then held my sister's face in her hands and said softly, "Bye, sweetheart." She gave me a pointed look, making it clear that she didn't care for me very much, then let go of Nikkie and went back into the living room.

"Let's go," Nikkie said.

We walked together down the hallway, holding hands.

"Wow," I said. "What was that all about?"

"Oh," Nikkie replied, "that was just Maggie being a clown. She's a big clown."

I suspected there might be more to it than that but I didn't say anything.


I took her to a small Italian restaurant on the North End. Sotavento's, a dim quiet place on Pearl Street that served the best spaghetti and meatballs in the city. Nikkie was delighted by the place, she'd never known it existed, and she was just as crazy about Italian food as I was. We got a table for two in the back, ordered our lunch, then began to get caught up on each other's lives.

We talked a little more about our jobs; she said she only worked part time, for minimum wage, sitting in front of a computer all day managing records and making forms and typing correspondence. Nikkie talked about her work in a bored disinterested kind of way that seemed designed to make me bored and disinterested too, but I wasn't at all.

I was fascinated with her, with the idea of my wonderful baby sister actually out there in the world, taking care of herself. Even her nonchalance was intriguing, and when I filled her in on the dry facts of my own work, how I spent as many as twelve hours a day poring over manuscripts for continuity and mistakes, I noticed how her eyes bore into me, how she leaned forward and smiled slightly when I talked. She hung on my every word.

Our lunch came and we ate while we talked about life in the city.

"I love living downtown," Nikkie declared, "simply love it. So different from our old neighborhood. There's just so much to see, and so much to do. People everywhere. And the buildings, you know, some of them are just so cool looking. The old buildings, the really classic ones."

"Yeah, the buildings," I said, "and the women. I don't know why, but downtown Darlington seems to have more beautiful women per capita than anywhere else in the world."

"Maybe it's something in the water." Nikkie speared a meatball with her fork and pretended to examine it. "Or the meatballs." She popped it into her mouth.

'I don't know,' I thought to myself, 'but whatever it is, you've gotten the lion's share.'

"So Andy," Nikkie said, twirling pasta around her fork, "do you have a girlfriend?"

"Not at the moment," I said. "There've been a few girls but they didn't last."

"What were they like?"

"They were wonderful, of course. Lovely and smart, confident, funny, lots of fun. But they didn't want anything serious. The problem was they always waited until I told them I loved them before they let me know that. One girl even moved to San Jose after I told her how I felt about her."

"Oh, you poor guy," Nikkie said.

"Love is a fucking nightmare," I said, immediately regretting the angry tone in my voice.

Nikkie chewed a mouthful of spaghetti, swallowed, and said, "Sounds to me like they weren't so smart after all. I'd kill for a guy who loved me. Especially a hottie like you."

I laughed, surprised and pleased by my sister's compliment. I thanked her and said, "But what are you saying, Nik? No guy has fallen in love with you yet?"

"Nope. Not a one."

"I find that impossible to believe. I would think you'd have guys fighting over you night and day."

"Well, there have been guys, and they've told me they loved me, but....you know, it wasn't my heart they wanted to get into." Nikkie smiled an embarrassed smile and I realized that she didn't resent those guys.

"You know, Nikkie," I said, leaning forward and looking directly into her eyes. "This is one of the reasons I've always adored you. Because there's no bitterness in your beautiful heart."

Nikkie's smile widened, her face bright, her eyes glittering.


After lunch we drove back downtown. Nikkie said she wanted to see a movie, but she didn't want to watch anything in the regular theatres. "Something offbeat," she said, which naturally pointed the way to the bohemian theatre, which was showing a series of foreign films that week. It was only a block away from her apartment building, so we parked in the same spot I'd parked in earlier and walked together down to the corner of Fourth Street and Milton Avenue. When we got there we found that 'Justice Undone,' a film from Iceland, was only ten minutes away from starting.

We bought tickets, sodas and popcorn, and sat in the back row just as the opening credits began to roll. There were only about fifteen other people in the theatre, which lent an intimate quality to the atmosphere. 'Justice Undone' contributed to this, or maybe just fell in line with it; a dark and somber film, it told the story of a man in a small isolated community who is put on trial for having a sexual relationship with his sister. Something of an embarrassing development for Nikkie and me; we hadn't known what the movie was about.

When the show was over we walked together up Fourth Street to the corner coffee shop, both of us silent. I didn't know what Nikkie thought about the film and it's subject, but I knew what my impression was: I was startled and a little sheepish, especially regarding the scenes that were still lingering in my mind. I felt a strong desire to talk about these things but at the same time was reluctant to do so. Sex had never seemed to me like an appropriate topic of conversation for siblings. I'd decided not to say anything, but then Nikkie brought the subject up herself.

"Well," she said once we were seated with our coffee, "that sure was a weird little movie."

"Definitely offbeat," I said.

Nikkie gave a concessive nod and smile.

"Sure was. Guess I asked for that one. Literally." She giggled. "But it wasn't really a bad movie. Actually, it was pretty good. Just....confusing. I mean, what was the whole point? The guy got off with a light sentence, and it seemed like the town didn't really know what they wanted to do. I mean, they wanted to punish him, but then they hardly punished him at all. And what was the point of the sister killing herself? She was the one who started the whole thing. And what does the title mean? Justice Undone. Which justice was undone?" She shook her head and sipped at her coffee. "I just don't get it."

"Maybe that was the point," I said. "The confusion, the unclear motivations, the uncertain conclusions. After all, the brother and sister were consenting adults, so where, really, is the crime? What they did was against the law, but the brother was put on trial and convicted not so much for committing incest as for offending the sensibilities of the community. The film ultimately left the issue unresolved because people are generally so ambivalent about it."

Nikkie thought about this for a minute, then said, "Yeah, maybe. Or maybe the director just didn't know what he was doing."

I laughed, but the discussion appeared to be over now and I was disappointed; I'd hoped we could talk about the two sex scenes, both of them very explicit, almost pornographic, in which the brother and sister first had intercourse and, later, the sister performed oral sex on her brother. I could still see these scenes behind my eyes, and I thought about them as I watched Nikkie nurse her coffee and change the subject. My adorable sister.