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By Lor Oldmann (jamwad@hotmail.com)
Author's Note: Another pseudoantidisestablishmentarianistic and certainly not-to-be-taken-too-seriously piece of non-fiction. Contains a few expressions of an adult nature. Some human oddities may find it highly erotic and wish to copy the techniques described, if so, once again, that's their problem! Or perhaps their partners'.


Human beings belong to several racial types: the socalled Caucasian, Mongol, Negro and Semite races. These types can be divided and sub-divided almost endlessly to give us Aryans and Celts, Polynesian and Pygmy, Jew and Arab, and so on. We even get divisions according to how the mind work (or doesn't) to give us Christian and Hindu, Moslem and Jew, agnostic and atheist, class A readers of newspapers and idiots whose idea of reading matter is the comic supplement to a Sunday tabloid, or how they behave like criminals, prostitutes, politicians, etc. Human beings are like that; they see people as either Them or Us! They never see themselves as others see them!

This may come as a shock to some. But FAIRIES ARE NO BETTER! In fact, in many ways they are much worse. Whether or not you believe in fairies, these are the facts as far as they can be ascertained from data made available to people who are convinced that the place fairy lore has occupied in the development of human thought is a subject worthy of serious study.

In many ways fairies are similar to human beings in their appearance, for instance. They have similar facial features, for instance, with eyes, a nose, mouth and ears. They comprise a skeleton, not all that different in its basic shape and function from ours, muscles, flesh and a coetaneous covering not at all dissimilar to the skin of humans, they have a nervous system and a means of circulating life blood to all parts of the body, they breathe, eat and drink, excrete and urinate like every other living creature, they have sexual urges (and how!) and produce babies. And they talk. Christ! How they talk! They talk constantly about sex, before sex, while they are having sex, and after it! They joke about it, have serious debates about it, laugh at it and cry over it.

Fairies are to be found in every culture. The Fairy Tales of the Brothers Grimm, Charles Perrault, Hans Christian Andersen and all the others of that genre are more than matched by the fairy stories told by the Australian Aborigine or the North American Apache or Comanche, and certainly couldn't hold a candle to the Gaelic tales of an sidhe in the Hebrides in Scotland or of the leprechauns of South-west Ireland. The Chinese painted fairies on delicate vases at a time when the Anglo-Saxons were still struggling with basic vocalisation.

Even the Eskimo has his fairy lore and the Aurora Borealis is there to prove to him the reality and the power of the fairy folk. The Voodoo of the West Indies originated somewhere in West Africa as ju-jou, the basic meaning of which word is 'fairy play'.

The shock may continue when one learns that in parts of Eastern Europe, the original vampires were not the undead or the followers of Vlad IV, but tiny fairy folk who could only keep themselves alive by sexing with and partaking of the blood of hot-blooded living animals including humans, preferably very young children. Or that the fairy folk of Spain are thieving little bastards who only have six days in the week for on Sundays they seem to evaporate only to reincarnate on Monday morning even more vicious and worse tempered than a Barcelonan whore who has been cheated out of her due financial rewards.

There are five main type of fairy (corresponding, some believe to the five points of a pentacle). The smallest are about four centimeters tall as fully-grown adults, and have a wingspan of about five centimeters. These creatures inhabit fairy groves and dells and are supposedly responsible for fairy rings and circles. They frolic naked under mushrooms or toadstools and dance, equally naked, by moonlight.

When they dress, which some of them do in the way that human children love to 'dress up', their clothes are made of gossamer or grass, the petals of dandelion and daisy and that sort of thing. They eat and drink sparsely, sex profusely at every given opportunity and breed like mosquitoes, hibernate in cold, wet, windy or otherwise inclement weather, during which periods they fornicate like it was going out of fashion, and then they die after living their lives to the full for approximately eighteen months to two years of our time which in their case is equivalent to a life expectancy of seventy-five years.

These tiny beings are sometimes called faes or aeriels and represent the prototype for Ariel, the airy spirit in 'The Tempest' by William Shakespeare, Tinker Bell in Barrie's 'Peter Pan', and for the creatures that created all the rumpus in Cottingley at the end of the First World War.

The origin of these tiny creatures is extremely difficult to pinpoint, but a remarkably good case can be made out for the southeastern corner of Scotland or the northeast of England at the time of the poets Aneirin and Taliesin. These (British) fairies were taken over by the Angles in their conquest of this part of the world, and became a vital part of Northumberland culture and influenced the work of the Venerable Bede and Saint Cuthbert. And Northumbria being the brain-box of the Anglo-Saxon invasions of Britain (which is not saying a lot), their fairy lore became the accepted light entertainment and the soap operas (and the porn sites) of the day. People in the early Middle-Ages would sit outside all night for weeks on end hoping to catch a glimpse of these tiny creatures having sex, because, apparently, their technique was out of this world, and not to be viewed by maiden aunts or children.

At the other end of the scale are the sidhichemor (pronounce it as 'shee-ikhy-more') or 'great fairy' who reach a fully-grown height of seven or eight feet (210230 cm). The fairy queen who met Thomas the Rhymer on the Eildon Hills was one of this breed. They are not to be trusted in the least and normally behave in a most unfairylike manner. They are rather partial to gold or silver or anything else owned by human beings and would steal it as soon as admire it.

They flatter, cajole, threaten, kidnap, hypnotize, rape and murder with the skill and easy conscience of a Barbary pirate. These creatures live mostly underground or in caves deep in hills and mountains. They have a rather austere, almost Presbyterian sex life among themselves; they prefer sexual intercourse with humans. Their women only occasionally produce young, and these are mostly male; on the whole, they prefer to abduct young female babies (changelings) and bring them up to breed. This crossbreeding begins when the girl is preteen, usually about eight or nine, and pregnancy first occurs when she is ten or eleven. The children of these children are invariably of the same kind as the father, that is sidhichemoran.

Only rarely is a human or half-breed born, and when this happens the neonate is taken outside the community and left in the wild to die. In addition to changelings, young human girls aged from about seven to eleven are abducted and used as sex slaves by young sidhe males who would be the equivalent to our sex-mad teenagers. Males, both youngsters and mature men, are also abducted to serve the fairy females, girls from the age of seven or eight, and women until they are extremely old, far older than we would expect any human, except Moses, to be capable of a successful sex life. Sometimes these sex slaves are released when they have served their purpose.

Traditionally, this period of sexual service was seven years, as, for example, in the case of Thomas the Rhymer. Young girls, in particular, on their release are usually incapable of a full sexual relationship with a human partner, because sexual intercourse with a fully mature sidhe male can last several hours during which the female is provided with more orgasms than the fittest human lover is capable of in a week. The JM Barrie play Mary Rose is supposed to be based on the story of one such release; another female with fairy sex experience was allegedly one of the six wives of King Henry VIII, but which one is anyone's guess, for which respectable female could have had sex with such a grotesquely egocentric and ungainly character and enjoy it?

While in captivity, young girls were either kept naked or, more usually, dressed in a short (very short) green velvet skirt and a loose, almost transparent tunic or tank-top which would clearly exhibit their development to any interested party. The sidhe were partial to small breasts and prominent navels, features absent from their own females. The traditional fairy costume of the Christmas pantomime is supposedly modeled on this ancient preference.

The most authentic reports of these creatures come from the south-west of Ireland where stories dating back three thousand years can still be told to you, if you are lucky, in Gaelic. Many of the tales have been bowdlerized because of pressure from the Roman Catholic Church, but are still related with the odd wink in the proper places. The most famous of these tales concern the activity of the 'banshees' or 'fairy wives' as they bewail the loss by premature death of a human male they had hoped to seduce.

Some of the Irish tales must have crossed the sea with the Scots, for parallel versions are to be found in the Hebrides and the Highland of Scotland and are to be found to this day in the stories of Molly Hunter. There are those who believe, however, that the tales of the 'sidhean' are really about the Picts who once inhabited Scotland north of the Forth and Clyde, but if there were to be any substance to this belief we would have to extend their territory to the farthest corner of Ireland.

The remaining three types of fairy, taking their proper places between these two extremes, are the groups in ascending order of size:

(a) elves, elfs or, more probably, oelfs (b) gnomes a name coined by Paracelsus and (c) goblins or, more properly, kobaloi

none of which conform to any of the preconceived nursery or kindergarten ideas cultivated throughout history to culminate in the television cartoon film.

The elf is a miniature human dwarf. In many ways, most of them on the worse side, they are the nearest of the fairy folk to human beings. Some of them have wings of a sort, but most do not. Apart from the fact that their ears are proportionately larger and taper to a point and that elfen noses and chins are much more pointed and prominent, they could pass as tiny human children, and like human children, they can be wicked little bastards, and are to be avoided like bubonic plague. They love to play tricks on other fairy creatures and on human beings. Some of these pranks are comparatively innocent, like matting a sleeping child's hair, tying knots in clothing or stealing the last from the cobbler or the needle from the tailor.

Most of their trickery is, to put it mildly, extremely dangerous and not to be tried at home by inexperienced little pranksters. Among the catastrophes attributed to elfin (elvin or elfen) activity are listed the Children's Crusade, the Great Fire of London and the Tay Bridge Disaster. They have been known to poison wells, set hay lofts ablaze, sour the milk of cows, abort calves, tear up newly planted turnips, and generally make bloody nuisances of themselves out of pure malice or spite.

In medieval England, it was believed that the only way to counter the evil little bastards was to tell nice stories about the good things they were supposed to have done, like clean up untidy houses while the inhabitants are asleep; in other words, use flattery, but wink in all the appropriate places like the Irish, just in case God was listening!

Attributed to these elfen people were, among other exquisite things, the wet dream and unexplained pregnancies. They had a disturbing habit of climbing into bed beside a sleeping human and doing naughtier things than tear holes in a nightshirt. They could make a teenage virgin pregnant without breaking her hymen and masturbate a fully-grown man without his consent or knowledge, and one is tempted to wonder what the point was! The female-on-top horse-riding position was invented by them as was both kinds of oral stimulation, that is, fellatio and cunnilingus.

Contrary to popular opinion, Peracelsus did not invent the gnome; he simply put a name to it! Don't look it up in the classical Latin lexicon, for gnomus simply isn't there! Think of your average garden gnome, then forget the image, for the gnome is nothing like the Disney version of the dwarves in Snow White. They are dour to the point of being psychotic and more than all the other fairy folk they keep themselves very much to themselves; they have few dealings with any other kind and any such are always processed through intermediaries hybrid dwarves, half-breed sidhe, faeries of the first order, and so on and even on this scale, such dealings are done through locked doors or at a distance. They live underground, rarely surfacing, and guard the secrets of life, the universe and everything, and hoard treasure, being particularly fond of gold and silver and sparkly things like diamonds.

In ancient folk lore there is always a dragon, serpent, giant worm or some such horrid creature associated with these little people and anyone who would communicate with them has to deal with this beastie first. They sex a lot, but breed little they don't have to, for they live virtually for ever. Their sex is of every kind except rape and is confined to their own kind; they indulge in some heterosexual activity among unrelated mature adults, but are innately homosexual and incestuous, have full penetrative sex between adult and children of all ages and of both sexes, and masturbate when they have nothing better to do.

Non-consensual sex, however, is unknown and every sex act is preceded by a long-winded agreed verbal contract that what is about to take place is with the consent of both parties, their ancestors and descendants to the nth generation. With any other creature, such foreplay would tend to be off-putting, but gnomes seem to enjoy it as much as the actual fornication itself.

They only eat infrequently, but when they do they make absolute pigs of themselves and consume great quantities of fish, frogs, water snakes and anything else caught in subterranean lakes and rivers, fresh meat including human flesh, fruit and vegetables, mosses, ferns, lichen, insects, earthworms, and many more things too disgusting to mention even on a website. They drink beer, a wine made from fungi, mead, and a kind of distilled liquor made from rotting vegetation and stagnant underground water which is reputed to be around 75 proof even before the distilling process has commenced.

The main cause of death is murder; they are argumentative little buggers and think nothing of slitting the throat of a crying child or an irritating old man with a cough. The chance of survival of any human beings who, like Alice falling through her rabbit hole, find themselves in their world is, to say the least, not worth calculating. To sum up, the gnome is fat, ugly, sexually weird, disagreeable and highly dangerous.

And lastly we have the goblins! The troll is simply a Norwegian goblin. Generally, this creature could accurately be described as a particularly ugly, unscrupulously wicked gnome with a real chip on his shoulder. Like the gnomes, they live below ground, but they occasionally surface, particularly at night, to make life a misery for those they have a grudge against.

They eat a lot and often, and their drinking habits would give an alcoholic gnome a conscience. They have sex in every shape and form with any living or dead creature, but they particularly enjoy the rape of the young of all other species, especially humans. Goblins invented the gang-bang, and the particularly nauseating form of capital punishment of raping to death. They are also responsible for introducing sexually transmitted diseases to the earth.

Death among the goblins is commonplace, but nauseating in the extreme. Their burial rites centre on the cooking pot, and not even the bones of the casseroled dead remain as in everything else with goblins, everything goes. In fact, the very word goblin is closely related to the verb 'to gobble' from an original and very old French word meaning virtually 'to eat like a starving pig'.

The moral of all this is: have nothing at all with fairy folk, don't believe a single word you come across on the faerie sites on the internet, and have another look at those old Disney tapes in an entirely new light. Have second thoughts about telling your kids the traditional fairy stories or taking them to Santa's elfin grotto. The banshee or the leprechaun are not in the least funny, and think about it: when we talk about the Gnomes of Zurich we may not be too far from the truth. Have a nice day! And pleasant dreams!