The Adult Story Hub

It could happen to anyone: the road was, I thought, fairly clear and there was no-one around. Surely it wouldn't hurt if I opened it up a little? I mean, what harm can it do?
Turns out, plenty: I didn't count on one of those damn speed trap vans way, way up the hill. Apparently, their laser-sighted equipment can 'see' a car from quite a distance and they had me marked well before I was even considering the parked vehicle to be a hazard I needed to be aware of.
When the lights flashed blue and the door opened, I realised this was for my benefit. Damn.
Pulling up, I wound down the window and looked up at the officer - they always look taller when you're sat in a car, don't they - and did some quick thinking. This is the conversation that followed:
"Evening Sir. Do you know why I've stopped you?"
"Yes, Sir. I imagine I was going a bit too quickly but I'm in a hell of a hurry: I'm an anal specialist and have been called to help with an emergency."
"Oh? And what kind of emergency is that then, Sir?" he asked doubtfully.
"I'm a colonic stretcher. Apparently, there's a patient that is in urgent need up at St. Thomas' Hospital. I just hope I'm not too late."
I could see by his face this confused him. Doctors in a hurry usually get a free pass - but he wasn't convinced.
"Look," I said, pointing to the bag on the seat next to me, "in there are a selection of anal stretchers and a jar of easing ointment. Can I please get to this person quickly?"
"Umm...," says a rather flustered officer, "and why on earth would someone need their anus stretched?" He was curious - and rightfully so: it's not every day you meet someone in this line of work!
"Well, officer. Imagine two people are experimenting and one accidentally pushes a sex-aid in too far and can't recover it," I explained, "then you need to open the anus wide enough to allow it to be removed. "
"Umm...and you do this? This opening thing?"
"Oh yes officer. It's really not that uncommon. Last week, we had to deal with a 5 inch expansion and, I can tell you, it's not a pretty sight. Mind you, that's nothing on the one we did a few months ago. A full 6 foot expansion."
"6 FOOT??", the officer gasped, "And what do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"That's a very good question. Generally, they get given a speed-gun and here we are" I answered.

And that, folks, is why I'm writing this in a Police cell. My hearing will be in the morning.