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By T.P. Celentano (CELENTP@texaco.com)

Little Johnny was passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked in and caught his folks in The Act. Before dad could even react, Little Johnny exclaimed "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny had not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agreed. Johnny hopped on and daddy started going to town. Pretty soon mommy started moaning and gasping. Johnny cried out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thought for a bit, then said, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Mikey. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful just fucking beautiful!'"

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, mommy, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!" Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!" Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

A teacher cautiously approached the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realized Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remained attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asked for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raised his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raised his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher called on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?" "No," said his mom, "of course not." Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

A few days after Christmas, Johnny's mother was working in her kitchen listening to her little boy playing with his new electric train in the adjoining room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off right now, 'cause this is the last stop...and all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the goddamn train 'cause we're leaving." His mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room for two hours and think about what you said, and when you come out you may play with your train again, but I want you to use much nicer language. Two hours later, little Johnny came out of his bedroom and resumed playing with the train. Soon the train stopped and mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. Thank you for riding with us today and we hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat. Remember please that there is no smoking except in the Club Car. We hope you will have a pleasant relaxing journey with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the two hour delay, please see the ugly stinkin' bitch in the kitchen!"

Little Johnny asked his mother how old she was. Her reply was, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." Johnny then asked his mother how much she weighed. Again the mother's reply was, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question." The boy then asked, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, his mother said, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sent him to his room. On the way to his room, the boy tripped over his mother's purse. When he picked it up, her driver's license fell out. The boy looked it over and went back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You're 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!" The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he had come to that conclusion. And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"

Little Johnny took his new chemistry set down to the basement where he stayed all afternoon mixing various liquids together. Eventually, his dad went down and found him surrounded by test tubes, pounding something into the wall. "Why are you hammering a nail into the wall?" asked the dad. "It's not a nail," said Johnny. "It's a worm! I tried to bring this worm back to life with my special chemical mixture, but my formula made the worm hard as a rock." Johnny showed his dad the liquid mix that he had soaked the worm in, and his dad said, "I'll tell you what. You give me the test tube with your special chemical mixture in it and I'll buy you a Toyota." So little Johnny handed the test tube over. The next day, when Johnny got home from school, he saw a brand new Mercedes-Benz parked in the driveway. He then asked his dad about the car. "Oh," said the father, "your Toyota is in the garage. The Mercedes is from your mother."