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On the farseeing mirror, Smidlar appeared from under the columns, and then was gone in a flicker of moment, leaving the image as it was when the Dark Lord looked back down at it a moment later. "Yes, you rest, Smidlar," Mallevelus sneered. "Rest for your appointment with /death!/" He started to turn around. "/INFERNO!/" he bellowed.
"Yes, my Lord?" said the incubus in a tired voice still tinged with anger.
"Gah!" the Dark Lord cried, startled. "How did you do that? I only just called you."
"I heard your, ah, diabolical laughter, my Lord," he said evenly. He had to force himself to stay calm. It had taken four barbecued guards before enough of his anger had drained for him to even attempt to be civil towards anyone, even his own master.
"Oh, right. Anyway ... he has arrived, my Right Hand of Terror!" the Dark Lord declared. He swept an arm dramatically towards the mirror. "Behold!"
Inferno stepped forward, peered, and raised an eyebrow. "Er ... begging my most Diabolical and Evil Lord's pardon," he started slowly. "But what am I looking at?"
"Our prey, Inferno!"
"You mean Smidlar the Brave, my Lord?"
Mallevelus rolled his eyes. "No, the Pink Pixie Queen. /Yes, I mean Smidlar the Brave!/"
"Ah ... forgive me, Master, but I do not see him there."
"Of course not. He has hidden himself behind those columns. He is waiting until darkness falls completely, and not a moment sooner. His exact words, Inferno! Not a moment sooner!"
Inferno made a dubious face as he looked at the image in the mirror.
"Hah! He thinks we will have our guard down just because it is dark! What a fool!"
"Then shall I double the guards at the entrance, my Lord?" Inferno asked hopefully.
"Now why would I want to do that?" the Dark Lord asked crossly.
Inferno took a deep breath, his claws clenching again. "Because, my most /Esteemed/ and /Brilliant/ Lord and Master, such an action might have the effect of capturing or killing Smidlar before he penetrates this lair very far, which I thought was the general idea!"
"You are forgetting, Inferno!" Mallevelus declared. He sauntered over to his throne and picked up his Scepter of Infernal Power. "I wish the honor of destroying him myself!"
/Bloody git,/ Inferno thought vehemently. "In that case, my Lord, we have some time before Smidlar attacks, and I have an urgent matter to discuss with you."
"Not now, Inferno," the Dark Lord said with a dismissive sweep of his arm. "I simply must prepare a speech for when I stand over his broken and dying body."
Inferno clenched his teeth. He counted to ten. It didn't help. "Please, my Lord," he practically hissed. "This is really important."
"Not more important than preserving this moment in history! I ..."
"It concerns the Princess, you g ... I mean, my Lord."
The Dark Lord fell silent. "What about her?" he asked warily.
Smidlar crept cautiously to the end of the Road to Ruin, just at the shadow of the massive boulders that rose over him on either side like dark, forbidding cliffs. Between them lay the iron gate into the Tower, and upon it was a small white sign that he could just barely make out. He squinted, leaning forward, but it was just far enough for him not to be able to read it. He started to take a step ...
... and at the last minute pulled back.
Smidlar furrowed his brow. "Hmmm ..." he murmured thoughtfully, scratching his chin, glancing from one of the boulders to the other. Very faintly in the failing light he could see a small discoloration on the surface of one of them, facing the path. He looked at the other and saw a similar stain at the same exact location.
"Very curious," he commented. He glanced around him and spied a stone near his foot. Grinning to himself, he took it in hand, stepped back a respectable distance, and tossed the rock towards the gate (as instructed on pages 123 and 124 of the book).
/WHAM!!/
The boulders came together, thousands of tons of mass crashing together with explosive force. There was a pause, and then the boulders slowly came apart with a low rumbling noise, dust wafting to the ground, the remnants of the stone he had tossed, not having even made it halfway to the ground.
"As I thought!" Smidlar declared. He peered towards the gate again, stepping to one side. The gate was recessed into the wall. "Looks like there's enough space," he commented to himself. "But ... the question is ..." He reached down and picked up two more stones. " ... does it wait, or does it react again right away?"
He tossed another stone into the stone maw of death.
/WHAM!!/
As soon as the boulders pulled back far enough for him to toss the other stone within, he did so. It fell to the ground and bounced a few times before coming to rest as the boulders continued to reset. But the moment they had returned to their original positions, they again came together and pulverized the second stone as well.
Smidlar grinned. "This should not be terribly difficult," he said, and prepared to fetch another stone.
"Are you quite serious, Inferno?" the Dark Lord said, his eyebrows knitted together in confusion.
"Never more serious, my Lord," Inferno said, his voice strained.
"Because if this is a joke, I'm not ..."
"It not a joke, my Lord!' Inferno yelled. "I wish to the nine levels of Hell that it was!"
"Are you quite sure you did everything you could to her?"
"Everything!"
"I mean, I did tell you not to go too far, perhaps that ..."
Inferno snarled. "Listen to me, dammit!" he bellowed. "I've been ignoring your orders! I've not relayed a single one of your wishes to go easy on her! Not a single one! And still it does not matter! /It does not matter!/"
Mallevelus frowned deeply. "Now, Inferno, this has got to stop," he said, shaking his Scepter at him. "How can I maintain discipline among my minions if I let you go off on these larks disobeying my orders? How's it going to look to the others if when they disobey I toss them into molten lava or boiling acid, and you I give a reprimand? Come now, Inferno, I ..."
"/You're not listening to me!/" Inferno screamed. "Sod the bloody discipline! I'm trying to get across to you that this Princess we have here has not been affected /one jot/ by anything we've done to her! We can torture her from here to the end of time and it would not matter! She still enjoys it! /She still bloody well enjoys it!/"
The Dark Lord looked thoughtful. "Well, perhaps if you raped her ..."
"/AAAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!/" Inferno shrieked. Furious, he snatched the Scepter from his master's hand and thrust it towards the first thing he saw, the Farseeing Mirror. A bolt of lightning shot from the end of the Scepter and exploded against the surface of the mirror, shattering the glass into dust and cracking the frame into a dozen pieces that fell into a singed clump on the floor, acrid smoke wafting up from the ruins.
/WHAM!!/
Smidlar the Brave felt the wind of the passing boulders against his back as he stood pressed against the iron gate, breathing hard from the mad dash he made between the boulders as they reset from the stone he had again tossed between them. He broke into a sly smile at his own cleverness. The next moment, however, he heard footfalls on the other side of the gate. Quickly he twisted himself around, pressing his back into one side of the door archway, in the shadow created by the boulder on that side.
He peered cautiously past the gate. Ahead was an intersection of the wide passage that led to the gate, which itself lay shrouded in darkness not far into the Tower, and a narrower passage that ran across his line of sight. It was through this passage that a burly guard wandered into view.
Smidlar examined the guard, his gaze focusing on the man's face-obscuring helmet. "Hmm," he murmured to himself.
He paused, glanced about, and continued on his way and out of sight.
Smidlar looked around him and found another stone. He tested the gate, and found that it opened for him easily. He stepped back into the shadows and waited. Not long after, the guard passed again in the other direction. As soon as he passed out of sight again, Smidlar opened the gate and hurtled the stone into the dark corridor (page 75). It bounced loudly on the stone floor and came to rest somewhere in its dark recesses.
"Huh? Wut?" the guard grunted, popping back into view and looking into the dark corridor, his back to Smidlar. "Who go dere?!"
Smidlar leapt.
The guard heard the movement behind him, but it was too late. He had barely started to turn around when something hard and stony was smashed against the back of his head (a technique from a different book: 101 Ways to Bash a Skull). He fell heavily to the floor with a loud thud and was still.
Smidlar had to move fast. He knew that someone might check on the guard soon. He quickly grabbed the brute under his armpits and dragged him more fully into the darkness.
"Well, thank you /very much!/" the Dark Lord shouted. "Do you know how much I paid for that?! That's coming out of your cut of the treasure we loot from the Kingdom of Light, I can tell you that!"
"My apologies, my Lord," Inferno said in a more contrite voice, tossing the Scepter onto the Throne. "But you have no idea how frustrating this has been!"
"All I suggested was ..."
"I know what you suggested!" Inferno bellowed. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "My point, my Lord, is that it /would not matter/ if I did it. She would find some way to enjoy it!"
"Now hang about," Mallevelus said. "That cannot simply be true. No one can like being raped by an incubus."
"She will! I can guarantee she will!"
"But ..."
"Please /listen/, Master!" Inferno pleaded. "She has already been raped by several of the guards. She has been tortured most evilly by your own Madam Agonusa. Every sensitive part of her body involved in the sexual act has been tormented until it felt a pain that would drop a basilisk! And yet she /still/ enjoyed it!"
The Dark Lord appeared to puzzle over this. "The only thing I can think of, Inferno, is that Madam Agonusa was simply not merciless enough with her."
"Not ... " Inferno choked. He clenched his teeth again.
"I mean, anything less than that wand she uses ... oh what's it called, has the little tine thingies that spark ..."
"The Wand of Agony, my Lord?"
"Ah, yes, that's the ticket! Now, if she had used that on her, well ..."
"She did, my Lord," Inferno said loudly.
Mallevelus fell silent for a stunned moment. "She did?"
"She did, my Lord."
"Are you sure?"
"I saw it myself, my Lord."
"She used it ... everywhere?"
"Everywhere, my Lord."
"Her nipples?" the Dark Lord mused. "Her womanhood?"
"Everywhere, my Lord," Inferno hissed through his grinding teeth.
"And ... she enjoyed that?"
"Well, she seemed to be quite in the proper agony at first, my Lord, but when she was touched in those areas, she enjoyed it."
The Dark Lord blinked. "You don't mean she actually ... that she ..."
"Climaxed?" Inferno said with a humorless smirk. "Indeed she did, my Lord."
Smidlar peered around the corner cautiously, adjusting his helmet. He stripped out of his clothes and put on the guard's loincloth and helmet, his naturally strong physique making him look much like any of the others with his normal clothing removed. He straightened up, and emerged into the corridor. Now, he had to find the Princess.
He traveled a short distance down where the guard had originally been walking and found another corridor intersecting this one. When he peered down it, he saw a spiral staircase at the other end. Between him and it was another guard, walking slowly in his direction. Smidlar fell into step, emulating the loping movements of the other guard, hunching his shoulders slightly. He grunted a likely sounding greeting at the other guard, who grunted back in kind.
Yet a moment later, a dim light illuminated in the back of the other guard's mind. He grunted again and turned. "Hey, youse!"
Smidlar stopped. He paused a moment, cleared his throat, and turned. "Yeah?" he said, forcing his voice an octave lower than normal.
"Wut you leave for?" the guard demanded. "Man in every cor ... corgi .. codr ... hall. Me here ..." He pointed a thick finger to the floor. "You dere ..." He pointed back to the other corridor. "Dem's orders."
"Uh ... um ... oh! uh, you hear boom?" Smidlar said.
"Huh? Wut boom?"
"Big boom out dere," Smidlar said, pointing towards the entrance. He raised his fists and held them apart a foot, then brought them together quickly. "Boom! From big rocks."
"Oh, yeah, dat. Wut about it? Hear dat all the time. Bloody birds."
"No bird dis time," Smidlar said, cracking as evil-looking a grin as he could manage. "Wuz bigger."
"Yeah? Anudder salesman?"
"Nah. Got dat guy dat, uh, s'posed ta come here."
"Oh, yeah, dat guy," the guard said with a toothy grin. "Da one dey wanted ta cover da winders for."
"Uh ... yeah," Smidlar said, some uncertainty creeping into his voice. "Anyway ... uh ... so I go now. Off duty."
"Hey, yeah, y' get sum jobapoirks."
"Er ... yeah ..."
The guard chortled. "Gonna get ta rape da Princess now?"
Smidlar looked aghast. "Rape?!" he cried in horror. Quickly he recovered, and dropped back into his fake voice. "Uh, yeah, dat's right ... uh, rape her, yeah." He paused. "Uh ... so where she is?"
The other guard laughed. "Where she is?" he cried. "Dat's funny! Where she is, 'e says!"
Smidlar managed to laugh as well. "Huh, yeah, silly me."
"Ever'buddy know she in stateroom on third floor in da back," the guard said, still chuckling.
Smidlar smiled slightly. "Yeah, of course ... I remember dat now ... uh, so I'll see ya."
"Yeah, see ya."
Smidlar quickly turned and headed up the stairs.
"I don't get it," the Dark Lord said.
"Now do you see what I'm talking about?" Inferno cried. "I don't get it either! Each time, it starts out great. When she was first raped by the guard or when she was first tortured. She screamed the most beautiful cries of suffering and torment, and then the moment she gets aroused, it all falls apart!"
"Well, Inferno, I hate to be the one to tell you how to do you job, now ..." Mallevelus said with a smirk.
"Oh, please do, my Lord," Inferno said sardonically. "It cannot possibly be any worse that what has already happened!"
The Dark Lord gave the incubus a dark look. Once the light level in the room came back to where they could see each other again, he continued, "But I was a great torturer in my day, and I would say that the simple solution to this is if pain alone is not working, you must instead go for the mind! Make her reel in disgust and revulsion! Overwhelm her senses"
"Oh, now why hadn't I thought of that?" Inferno said with a roll of his eyes.
"Associate the very sexual act with something vile and gross, something to make her go utterly mad if it did not stop, something ... something brutal, unyielding ... something like ..."
"The Troll Cave, my Lord?"
"Oh, that's a cracking good idea! Nothing like a bunch of hulking, sex-crazed, brutal beasts with huge phalluses that ..."
"Didn't work either, my Lord."
The Dark Lord stared at him. "You tried it already on her?"
"Indeed, my Lord."
"When?"
"Today, my Lord."
"And ... she enjoyed it?"
Inferno sighed tiredly. "Yes, my Lord."
"That's impossible!" the Dark Lord declared.
"Indeed, my Lord. Yet somehow she managed it."
"Are you quite sure?"
"Does it mean she enjoys it when she shouts, and I quote, 'oh gods, oh gods, don't stop, don't stop'?"
Mallevelus gaped at him. "Well ... perhaps ..."
"Let me save you some time, my Lord," Inferno said. "The trolls were perfectly healthy. She was lowered far enough down. She was left in more than long enough. They know to, ah, use their equipment. And it was big equipment as well. Everything was done perfectly, everything worked as it should. Except that she ultimately enjoyed it."
Smidlar the Brave emerged on the third floor and after a short walk down the narrow hallway spotted it. A large iron door, leading to a room facing the rear of the Tower, flanked by two more guards. He glanced back the other way for a moment, checking to see that he remained undetected in the Dark Lord's fortress. He allowed himself a small smile before letting it go blank and dumb before marching up to the guards.
The two looked at him with disinterest as he turned to face them. "Open door fer me," he said in what he hoped was what passed for a commanding voice to these dim-witted brutes.
The two exchanged looks. "Wut we open it fer?" the one on the left demanded.
"Me, uh, go rape Princess," Smidlar said.
The one on the right snorted. "Yeah? Who sez?"
"Da Dark Lord, sez, dat's who!"
The two of them straightened. "Why you get ta rape her?" the left one muttered.
"Yeah, we don't get to do nuthin' wid her," the right one lamented. "Told us ta jus' leave her alone."
"Ain't fair."
"Yeah. Ain't bloody fair."
"Yeah, but dem's orders," Smidlar countered. "Open da door."
The two grumbled some more under their breath, but dutifully began undoing the bolt. Smidlar felt his heart race, both from the excitement of his quest and the chance to see the beautiful princess he had so admired from afar for so very long.
"And close it behind me," Smidlar said.
"Aww, I wanna watch."
"Yeah, c'mon, can't we?"
"No watching!" Smidlar said firmly. "Dem's orders, too."
More grumbling, and the door was pulled open.
Smidlar boldly stepped into the stateroom, and his breath caught in his throat as he beheld the lovely vision that was the Princess.
Princess Sarah had been lying on her side, napping lightly, a faint smile on her face as her dreams replayed the fantastic erotic pleasure she had felt only a short time ago that day. She stirred lazily at the approach of the "guard", blinking languidly as she rose gracefully to a seated position on her bed, the chain from her iron collar clinking softly. "Oh, my, another rape?" she said in a wistful voice, a sultry smile playing about her lips.
The door closed behind Smidlar with a clang, leaving him alone with the Princess. He continued to stare at her for another moment, and only then realized the great impropriety he was committing. "Oh, Your Highness, forgive me!" Smidlar called out in his normal voice, placing a hand across his eyes.
Princess Sarah blinked. "Uh ... for what?"
"For continuing to gaze upon your stark nudity," Smidlar said. "Please, feel free to cover yourself with the sheet before we continue."
"Er ... but ... wouldn't that make it rather difficult to ...?"
"Not at all! I shall endeavor to hold you so that your dignity is fully preserved as we make our way out the window."
Sarah paused as she was starting to wrap the sheet around her, raising an eyebrow. "Uh ... the window?" she asked in a small voice.
Smidlar dropped his hand and beamed. "Yes, Princess! Oh, terribly sorry." His hand shot back up when he saw one breast still exposed. "Please, finish covering yourself."
"Uh, right," Sarah said in confusion. When she had both breasts safely tucked away, she said. "Okay, you can look now."
Smidlar lowered his eyes and smiled. "You are still quite the vision of loveliness, Your Highness," he said softly.
"Oh! Well, uh, thank you ..." Princess Sarah said uncertainly. "Just one question."
"Anything, my Lady."
"Who the hell are you?"
With a flourish, he removed his helmet. "Smidlar the Brave, Your Highness!" he declared. "Sent by your dear father, King Beneficus, to rescue you from the clutches of the evil Dark Lord Mallevelus!"
Princess Sarah sighed. "Oh, bloody hell," she muttered.
"Everything we have done, my Lord, we have done by the book!" Inferno cried.
The Dark Lord gave the incubus an odd look. "What, not that sodding stones and rocks book again?"
Inferno rolled his eyes. "No, my Lord, this one is Advanced Techniques in Torture, fifth edition. But never mind that! Every time, it starts out right, but by the end, her screams of torment become screams of pleasure!"
The Dark Lord appeared deep in thought. Inferno sighed when he saw this, trying to calm himself, knowing that the wheels in Mallevelus' mind tended to turn slowly. Evilly, but slowly. "So ... she starts out in torture, and ends up in ecstasy?" he said. "Is that what you are saying, Inferno?"
"Certainly not with the far better way you have just expressed it, my Lord," the incubus said, voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Oh, well, it's a gift," the Dark Lord said with a grin.
Inferno had to bite his tongue to hold back a retort as to precisely the sort of gift he had thought it was.
"Anyway, something must have happened in between those two points to change things."
"But the only thing that happened, my Lord, is that she began to climax! Which is the very thing that should have continued to cause her even deeper torment and horror! She should have screamed for mercy at the terrible violation of her body! She should have gone mad with mortification at her body being used like a common tramp! She should have howled with outrage and despair over his vile trespass of her most intimate and sensitive parts of her body!"
The Dark Lord laughed. "Unless, of course, she simply likes that sort of thing," he said with a careless smirk and a flippant gesture of one hand.
And then the Dark Lord's Right Hand of Terror suddenly stood bolt upright, his eyes flashing in the unmistakable look of inspiration.
The Princess' mind raced as Smidlar knelt behind her on the bed, working the heavy lock that sealed her collar to her neck with a small piece of metal. "Uh ... so, um, Smidlar, is it?" Princess Sarah said nervously. "You said my father sent you?"
"Indeed he did, Your Highness," Smidlar said. "He is quite worried about you."
"Er ... right ... of course ..." She listened to the soft scrape and clicks of metal on metal, her collar occasionally pressing against her throat as he fiddled with it. "Um ... you know, they said that lock was unpickable when the locked me in it," she lied.
"Please, Your Highness, continue to be brave for me for another few moments, I almost have this."
"Oh, uh, I just meant, well, why waste your time? I mean, you can always try again another day ..."
"We have but a scant candlemark or two, my Lady," Smidlar said urgently, glancing towards the window. Outside, the full shroud of night was not far from falling across the lands, the last bits of dark purple twilight glow chased from the western horizon. "Before the Dark Lord learns I have tricked him."
"Tricked ... you mean he doesn't know you're here?" the Princess asked.
"Not at all, Your Highness!" Smidlar said smugly. "Not in the Tower, anyway. I shall be snatching you away right under his nose."
"Oh, but if the collar proves to be too tough for what I am sure are your otherwise masterful skills then ..."
There was a loud snap as the collar separated, and a clink of the free end of the chain falling to the bed behind her. "Ah! Success!" Smidlar cried.
"/Sod it,/" the Princess muttered under her breath as she pulled the collar from her neck.
"What was that, my Lady?"
"Oh, uh, I just said, 'so good'. You know ... it was so good of you to free me," Sarah said weakly.
"Ah, but you will have a lifetime to thank me for that, Your Highness!" Smidlar beamed as he stood up. "Now, we must make haste, but we must be quiet and not arouse the suspicion of the guards."
Princess Sarah furrowed her brow as she watched him rush over to the window, idly fingering the heavy iron collar still in her hands. "Hang about," she said narrowing her eyes. "What do you mean, I'll have a lifetime to thank you?"
"My Lord ... " Inferno said slowly and softly. "/What/ did you just say?"
"Hmm? When?"
"Just now. About her liking it?"
"Oh, well, that was just a joke, certainly no girl would /actually/ like such a thing," the Dark Lord said with a chuckle.
Inferno stared at him.
Mallevelus' chuckle faded. "Er ... wouldn't she?"
Inferno's eyes widened.
"Or ... /would/ she?" the Dark Lord said in astonishment, his eyes growing wide as well.
Smidlar the Brave leaned out of the stateroom window far enough to avoid being heard by the guards as he lifted his fingers to his lips and issued a shrill whistle. Faintly in the distance he heard his trusty steed respond and begin galloping towards the Tower. Below him, a thicket of ropey vines writhed and snapped, the rear guard sentinels of the Tower.
He turned back towards the Princess and rushed over to her, taking one of her hands tenderly in his own, gazing into her eyes. "Ah, my fair and beautiful lady," he said soothingly. "Everything will be quite right in a very short while."
Princess Sarah made a face. "And why is that?" she demanded.
"Because, in reward for rescuing you, your father has promised me ..." He smiled at her and squeezed her hand. "Your hand in marriage."
Sarah's eyes grew to saucers and her mouth dropped open. "My father promised you /WHAT?!/"
"Please, hush, my Lady!" Smidlar said softly. "Soon the guards will grow suspicious and any loud noise will alert them! I know you are beside yourself with joy over this happy conclusion to this quest, but we must not delay."
Princess Sarah was too stunned to reply for a few moments and let him pull her across the room and towards the window. Just short of it, she stopped and yanked her hand from his own. "I am so /happy/ that someone bothered to consult me about these 'joyous' little plans!" she snapped.
"Your father has your best interests at heart, Your Highness," Smidlar said with a smile. "And I shall make you a good and kind husband, and watch over you for all of your days."
And then understanding dawned in the Princess' eyes. "Ah, I see ... watch over me ... mm-hmm ..."
"And now, Princess, we must prepare to go!" Smidlar said, holding out his arms.
"What? Out the window and down to the vines below? Are you daft?!" Sarah cried. "They'll throttle us in an instant!"
"Not so, my Lady!" Smidlar said with a smarmy grin. "For this particular variety of Throttling Vine is vulnerable to heavy blows. A heavy blow to it will delay its reaction time by five heartbeats! And the thick mass of vines below is enough to cushion our fall. We shall land upon them, breaking our fall, and while they are stunned, jump to safety onto the back of my trusty steed who now fast approaches!"
"I don't believe this," Princess Sarah muttered.
There came the sound of a horse neighing from below. "One moment, Your Highness, whilst I guide my horse to the proper spot. Oh, and put that collar down somewhere, but be quiet about it. It will alert them for sure if you drop it."
As Smidlar turned from her, the Princess looked down at the collar in her hand, and a slow smile spread across her face.
"Inferno, this ... this is perfect!" the Dark Lord cried. "This is most fortuitous indeed!"
"Yes, my L ... " Inferno stopped. " ... er ... what?"
"This Princess we have here, she is not the fair and pure damsel that we have been led to believe! No, Inferno! She is a /tramp/ ... a /slut/ ... a /harlot!/" the Dark Lord said, punctuating each adjective with a lustful emphasis, his eyes glittering madly. "She /revels/ in her sexuality ... she /swims/ in the murkiest swamp waters of her own lust ... she /burns/ in the fires of her own desires ... she ...!"
"I get the general idea, my Lord," Inferno said. "But why is this 'perfect'?"
"Because, Inferno, this Princess may very well be exactly what I have been looking for all of these many years!"
"Uh ... begging my most Hideous and Confusing Lord's pardon, but ... was not the conquest of the Kingdom of Light what you have been looking for all these many years?"
Mallevelus waved a dismissive hand. "Feh. That was but a means to an end for my greater goal!"
Inferno raised an eyebrow. "I know I'm going to regret this," he said. "But what, my Lord, is your greater goal?"
"Why, to find myself a consort, of course," the Dark Lord said with a wicked smile.
Inferno stared at his master in astonishment. "A ... consort, my Lord?" he asked, almost choking on the word.
"Yes, a consort. A woman that I may have at my side, loyal to a fault, sharing in my conquests, reveling in her share of my power, and ..." The Dark Lord grinned most lasciviously. " ... skilled in the deepest, darkest of erotic arts for my, ah, /pleasure/."
"Surely this one would satisfy that last requirement," Inferno said, making a face. "However, there is a problem."
"You're going to tell me I'm mad, are you not?" the Dark Lord said accusingly.
"/Perish the thought/," Inferno said loudly, mainly to prevent himself from responding in any other way (like with what he really felt, that his master was battier than a vampire convention). "But there is one tiny issue with her, my Lord."
"And that is?"
"Her loyalty, my Lord. I cannot guarantee you will have anything close to that."
"Then we shall /torture/ it into her! Oh, wait ..."
"Ah, you see the problem now, my Lord," Inferno said.
And from the Princess' stateroom arose a loud banging noise as the metal collar fell to the floor and rolled towards the door, making a dull clang as it stuck.
Smidlar whirled around with a gasp.
Princess Sarah smiled sheepishly. "Oops!"
The guards blinked and looked at each other. "What wuz dat?" they both said in unison.
Inferno and Mallevelus blinked and looked at each other. "What was that?" they both said in unison.
"Dat came from inside the stateroom, it did," said the guard on the left.
"Dat it did," said the one on the right.
"Dat dere was, uh, wadderyer call it, sus-pish-us."
"Huh? Why?"
"Cuz ... uh ... don't sound right."
Brows knitted in thought like two fat, wrestling caterpillars. "Sound like ... sumthin hittin' floor."
"Sumthin metal."
"Mebbe her collar."
"Yeah."
A pause. Then both sets of eyes opened wide and they gaped at each other.
"/Da Princess!/" they both cried in alarm.
"That sounded like it came from the stateroom," the Dark Lord speculated.
"That's impossible," Inferno said. "I gave specific instructions to the guards to leave the Princess be."
"Still, I heard something very clearly from that direction."
"Well, so did I. It was probably something hitting the floor."
"True," said the Dark Lord, nodding. "Something metal."
"Yes, my Lord. Like her metal collar."
"Indeed."
A pause. Then both sets of eyes opened wide and they gaped at each other.
"/The Princess!/" they both cried in alarm.
Princess Sarah gave the door a small smile of satisfaction seconds before it burst open, the guards leaping into the room. A second later, she was abruptly yanked back by her arm and sent almost flying to the far side of the room, losing her footing and falling to the floor.
"Stand back, Princess!" Smidlar shouted. "For I, Smidlar the Brave, shall protect you from these perverted, raping brutes!"
"Oh, yes, please save me," the Princess said sourly, rolling her eyes. /If I ever do see my father again, I am going to KILL him,/ she thought violently. /Him and that great winged prude he has for a guardian angel. This was probably her daft idea./
Smidlar leapt forward, and soon the room by the door was filled with the sounds of heated hand-to-hand combat, fists, arms, and legs flying in a blur, punctuated with grunts, growls, and the occasional sickening crunch of something connecting with a sensitive area.
"Hear that?!" Inferno shouted as they pounded down the stairs. "A fight in the Princess' quarters! It must be Smidlar!"
"Impossible!" the Dark Lord cried. "He was not supposed to set out until nightfall, which just happened now! How could he get there this fast?!"
"Unless, my Lord, he /tricked/ you into thinking he was going to wait!"
"He dares to play a trick on the Dark Lord Mallevelus?!" the Dark Lord roared. "I shall utterly destroy him for this!"
"I thought you were going to do that anyway, my Lord."
"Then I shall make his destruction a thousand times more painful! I shall have his liver carved out spoonful by spoonful! I shall have him slowly roasted alive over a burning pit! I shall cut him up, bit by bit, and fed to the basilisk! I shall ..."
"No, my Lord!" Inferno warned. "You did that to the last intruder. That's how the basilisk came down with the rash in the first place!"
Smidlar stood proudly over the now unconscious guards laying at his feet.
Princess Sarah sighed despondently.
Smidlar turned and hurried over to the Princess. "And now, Your Highness, we must make haste. Come!"
He took her hand and half-dragged her to the window. "W-wait a moment, I-I'm not sure this is a good idea ..."
But Smidlar had already draped one leg outside the window. "To insure your safety, Your Highness, I will drop first, so that I may be on the ground to pull you quickly from the vines."
The Princess opened her mouth to protest, but then closed it again, a slow smile breaking across her face. "Oh, okay," she said. "Yes, that will work. Though it is quite dark out there."
"Have no fear, Princess. I will be able to hear you to know where you are."
She glanced over at the metal collar, noting to herself that it was rather dark as well and likely hard to see at night. She grinned.
"Now, stay close to the window, Your Highness, and ..."
At that moment, there was the sound of running feet from just outside the door.
Smidlar leapt up from the window ledge. "A change of plans, Princess," he declared. He grabbed her arm and yanked her towards the window, causing her to yelp. "Our enemy approaches! You must make the leap to freedom first, and I will protect you!"
Princess Sarah gaped at him. "You want me to /what?!/"
But Smidlar had already turned from her, standing between her and the door, spreading his arms out protectively just moments before the Dark Lord and Inferno burst into the room.
"So!" Mallevelus declared. "At last I meet the great so-called hero, Smidlar the Brave!"
"You are too late, Dark Lord!" Smidlar cried. "In mere blinks of an eye, the Princess will be out of the Tower and away from your evil clutches."
"Not if I destroy you first!" Mallevelus thundered.
"And in the time that you do, the Princess will escape your filthy and wicked lair." Smidlar smiled. "I have defeated your evil plans, Dark Lord!"
Smidlar began to slowly back up.
"You foolish mortal! I can easily annihilate the two of you at once with the deadly magic of my mighty Scepter of Infernal Power!" the Dark Lord roared, bringing up his arm and thrusting it at them. He paused, blinked, and looked at his empty hand. With a snarl he turned to Inferno and bellowed. "/Where is my Scepter of Infernal Power?!/"
"Er ..." Inferno said uneasily, his leathery wings drooping. "Ah ... I believe it is back in your chamber, my Lord."
"What the bloody hell is it doing there?!"
"Ah ... it was where ... where I put it down, my Lord."
Smidlar whispered to Sarah. "Now, my Lady! Go out the window while they are distracted!"
"Uh ... okay," Princess Sarah said. "Um ... no problem."
Princess Sarah paused, then carefully took a step to the side.
The Dark Lord folded his arms indignantly. "Oh, really, now, Inferno? And I seem to recall that you had it in your hand because ...?"
"I, ah, took it from you, my Lord."
"And so you decided to take the one object that is the source of all my most powerful magic, the one object that I cannot do without, the one object that could destroy me in the wrong hands, and you just leave it about wherever you please! I should sack you for that, I should! For that and for destroying my Farseeing Mirror!"
"Then do it!" Inferno shouted. "I've had it with this job anyway! Nothing is worth ..."
Smidlar started to laugh heartily. "As much as I would love to stay, my most evil Dark Lord, I have a Princess to return safely to her father." He started to back up. "Until we meet again, I bid you ... /hey!!/"
As he slid a foot back, it had connected with the Princess' outstretched leg behind him. He tripped, losing his balance as the backs of his thighs hit the window ledge. He tumbled back and out into the cool, night air.
"Oh, my!" the Princess gasped dramatically.
There was a loud, muffled thud a few moments later. The Dark Lord and Inferno rushed to the window. Mallevelus thrust an arm out, pointing. "Look! My adversary still lives!"
"Damn," Sarah muttered.
Below, Smidlar quickly rolled himself from the crushed vines, only moments before they recovered and began twisting and snapping through the air towards him, getting away just in time. In one smooth motion he pulled himself up an into the saddle of his horse. "You may have won this round, Dark Lord!" Smidlar called up. "But I shall never give up! Fear not, Princess, and have hope that I will yet save you from this evil fiend!"
He kicked his horse and they rode off at a fast gallop, fading into the night.
The Dark Lord let go with a diabolical laugh as soon as he and Inferno made it back up to the chamber.
"And what are you laughing about?" Inferno snapped as the thunder faded.
"At the sheer irony of it, Inferno!" the Dark Lord declared, picking up his Scepter. "Smidlar the Brave, moments away from stealing the Princess away and thwarting my plans, and would have succeeded but for a fortuitous bit of clumsiness at just the right ..."
"The Princess tripped him, my Lord."
The Dark Lord stared at him. "She did what?"
"She stuck her foot out and tripped him, my Lord."
"You mean ... she did that on purpose?"
"Yes, my Lord," Inferno said. "Which only proves what I had been saying, that she has been enjoying what we've been doing to her and she wants more."
The Dark Lord slowly smiled. "Then perhaps she can become my consort after all!" he said. It quickly faded. "Oh, wait, there is that loyalty thing, isn't there?"
"Indeed, my Lord," Inferno said, his own mouth twisting into a wicked smile. "And I believe I have the perfect way to elicit this from her."
"But you said she cannot be tortured."
"She cannot be tortured in the way we have been doing it."
"Then what do you suggest, Inferno?"
The incubus' eyes glittered with most malevolent evil. "I suggest ... this."
And he conveyed his plan to the Dark Lord.
The Dark Lord's eyes widened. "Did I hear you right, Inferno?"
"You did indeed, my Lord."
"But ... we usually remove those things, not put one on!"
"Yes, my Lord, but whereas with others they wish it not removed, with one such as the Princess ..."
"Ah, yes, I see! But ... where would we find such a thing?"
"Madam Agonusa can likely procure one, my Lord."
"Smashing!" the Dark Lord cried. "So when shall we do this?"
"Why, at dawn, of course," Inferno said with a sly grin. "After all, we did promise the King that her torment would continue at every dawn, now didn't we?"
"You want a /what?!/" Madam Agonusa cried. "Are you a loony?!"
"Yes, fine, I'm a loony!" Inferno said. "But can you get one for me? By dawn?"
"But why do you wish such a thing?"
"It is for the Princess."
Agonusa raised an eyebrow. "Next you'll be asking me to get her a nice, full-length dress," she snorted.
"Look, can you get one or not?" Inferno said. "I don't have all night, woman!"
"Yes, I can get you one," she muttered. "You know how this is going to look to the other torturers when they find out about this? I'll be a laughingstock, I will!"
Inferno grinned wickedly. "Not if it gets the results I am hoping for," he said.